Thoughts of a Dog Guru…

Is anybody else’s favorite question:

“Hey, what are you eating?”

Maybe it’s a bad sign as it’s almost always aimed at Hannah…

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades….

This week I just couldn’t go.

It’s not that I have anything against H’s boss and his dad and all his friends from church.

It’s more that I have no interest in hanging out with the wives and talking food and church (not my thing!) while the men make dirty jokes and drink beer. Much rather do that myself BUT wommenfolk aren’t supposed to do that.

So I cheerfully waved my SO off to go play horseshoes at the weekly get-together. Did I mention we are having pouring rain and I bet we get lightening later?

Maybe I’m just SMARTER than the men! Besides he can get fed well there and I can eat sliced cheese and hot dogs for dinner.

Finally starting to get over sinus infection thing. Been a rotten week. Trying to decide what to do for the weekend as I doubt we can find camping at this point (haha!) and I just was told I don’t have to work for Sears calls on Monday (which often happens on Delta Dental holidays).

Off to see wizard. Or watch House MD, my favorite non-reality show!

Comparing dogs, men and women (just to be fair)…

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same

• Both take up too much space on the bed.
• Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Both are threatened by their own kind.
• Both mark their territory.
• Both are bad at asking you questions.
• Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
• The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
• Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
• Neither does any dishes.
• Both fart shamelessly.
• Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
• Both like dominance games.
• Both are suspicious of the postman.
• Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
• Neither understands what you see in cats.

2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
• Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
• Dogs don’t criticize your friends.
• Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs don’t laugh at how you throw).
• Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
• Dogs understand what no means.
• Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
• Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
• Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
• Dogs are color blind.
• Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

3. Where Dogs Fall Down

• Men only have two feet that track in mud.
• Men can buy you presents.
• Men don’t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
• Men are a little bit more subtle.
• Men don’t eat turds on the sly.
• Dogs have dog breath all the time.
• Men can do math stuff. But then, who really needs a man to do math?
• Men don’t shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
• It’s fun to dry off a wet man.

And the reverse—–

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN…..

• Dogs don’t ask what are you thinking.
• Dogs don’t cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.
• “The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you”
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs love red meat.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• “If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.”
• Dogs don’t shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog’s parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Top Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking… I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you turd

What I did today….

http://www.david-lewis.com/sheepgame/

Enuf said.

Good day for getting up early…

Why on earth am I so excited??? I just got offered to start earlier (only an hour but that means I miss the quiet end of the day). Guess I’m nuts. Of course at Guardian I started at 5a.m. so this will still seem late.

However that makes me happy that they recognize I’m good at what I do and quick.

And today was FREE DRINKS at Dutch Bros for all Delta Dental reps. Now Dutch Bros is from Medford so I was so psyched when it opened here finally. Homesick still? Or something. One day I will wrap my mind around the idea that I live here. But it was good and I had 2 of the bestest ever Strawberry smoothies and a steamer. I’m in my 30’s and still don’t drink coffee.

Off to WOW.

Here Kitty kitty kitty

I got me a new cat. Why? Because I like the comfort of cats, Wally likes cats, Hannah *thinks* she might like cats. H, of course, is still upset about the last cat dying.

Now trying to remember how to add pictures…there we go! (no, I didn’t take them – they came with said cat)

Her name be “Callie” which is entirely mundane and boring for a calico cat. She’s very unique looking and sheds copious amounts of hair. She’s also one of the friendliest cats ever. Good for when I decide to become single and a crazy cat-dog-lady (lol). Got her from the dauschund rescue group here, and will keep in touch as the lady breeds lovely Morgans.

For other news I guess I got client monitored today and am “the bomb” to listen to on the phone. Fun. I STILL hate my job but at least I’m good at it. Seriously thinking of going back to school as a vet tech or something. Still make shit for money but the potential rewards are so much better.

more later as thoughts permit.

Train my dogs? Not a chance…

I’m lazy these days. Haven’t even really worked Banana – luckily she’s a natural.

http://www.dragonflyllama.com/%20DOGS/Writing/confstack.html

One more and then I promise to quit for the night…really…surfing at 1am is bad…

http://www.inthe80s.com/dynamic/child8e.shtml

I qualify child of the 80’s not as being born after 80 but actually spending your childhood in them. I was born in 75, thus was 4 and a half when the decade turned and 15 and a half when it ended. I remember Ronald Reagan being elected, Mt St Helens, the Challenger and various other important moments in time. Half the people I work with don’t remember ANY of the 80s.

The Six levels of Hangover Hell

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1st Level: The Ducked Bullet

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep was deep and all those carbo-loaded beers have gifted you with a week’s worth of misplaced energy. During lunch you torture your less fortunate coworkers, bragging about how you can pound booze all night, drink warm gin out of a dirty ashtray for breakfast, and still show up fifteen minutes early for work. You crave a steak sub and a side of gravy fries.

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2nd Level: The Thirsty Animal

No real pain, but something is definitely amiss. You look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. You are definitely dehydrated and after drinking two Gatorades you still feel that way. You feel kinda dumb and you notice the temporary lowering of your IQ has made you more sociable and less concerned with workaday worries. You crave a fruity pancake from IHOP.

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3rd Level: The Headwound That Won’t Heal

Slight headache. Stomach is upset. You are definitely not the paradigm of a productive worker. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the warm gin shots you did at your friend’s apartment after the bouncer ejected you at 1:45 a.m. Memories of bad behavior seep in and you cringe with shame. Life would be much, much better if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching Hogan’s Heroes reruns. You’ve had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three iced teas and a diet coke and you haven’t peed once.

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4th Level: The Hunchback of Cheap Champagne

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or you’ll punctuate your sentences with vomit. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and reeking of booze. The clothes you put on won’t win you any fashion awards and your face looks like a golf green mowed by a blind junkie (ladies, it looks like you applied your make-up with a shotgun). Your eyes are red enough to give your features a lizardish cast and your hair makes your coworkers ask if you’re starting up a new wave band. You vaguely remember doing some really dumb and embarrassing things last night and you don’t care. You would murder your favorite bartender for a foot-long Bratwurst smothered with dijon and fried onions.

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5th Level: Dr. Kevorkian’s Dream Date

You don’t feel human, you don’t even feel like a mammal. Your long morning shower didn’t take, no amount of soap could penetrate the coat of sleaze. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employees sitting near you. You’re getting drunk from the vodka vapors seeping from every pore. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from the futile attempt to remove the taste of decaying rat. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, your tongue flops in your mouth like a nightmare-plagued wino thrashing around in his cardboard hooch. You’d cry like a baby but that would steal the last few drops of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty awesome right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still passed out in your bed.

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6th Level: The Infinite Nutsmacker

You wake up on your bathroom floor, your arms death-locked around your porcelain lover. You would vomit but you quite apparently took care of that last night, with none too good of an aim. You turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights—some sadist handed you a pack of Pall Mall nonfilters and you chain-smoked them like it was your full-time job, telling anyone who would listen that smoking filtered cigarettes is like drinking whiskey through a bar rag. You look in the mirror and find the Ready to Rock stamp has migrated from your right hand to your forehead with the help of Jager magic. You try to rehydrate but all you can stand is one cupped handful of brackish tap water. You crawl into the shower and the coldest water fails to revive your nerve endings as you mumble solemn oaths of never, ever letting a single drop of evil alcohol inside your body again. Ever .

If you could remember your behavior last night you would never step outside your apartment again, but the last thing you recall is accepting your ninth shot offer with the exhortation, “Hell yes! Let’s get this party started!” Everything after that is a black vacuum populated with shifting, vaguely-menacing shapes.

Instead of yelling at you for being late, your boss solemnly invites you into his office to ask you if a parent or sibling passed away. Your super-sensitive ears pick up low talk among your coworkers about “interventions” and “rehab.” The cute girl from accounting you’ve been flirting with for three months looks at you like you’re a leprous hunchback who has come for her organs. You cannot bear to eat, the granola bar from the snack machine sticks in your craw like petrified log jammed in a woodchipper. You curse yourself for not calling in sick because all you can manage to do is sit in your chair and breathe . . . very gently.